A much smarter ape.

Humans kick ass. That is the one universal truth that we can all learn from our short little moment on this earth. The great lesson is not the beauty of nature, the delusions of God's greatness or any other man-made construct, other than this. We, as a species, need not fear any other animal. Given enough time we will figure out its weakness, kill and eat it. Or turn its carcass into some amusing product to help make our lives more interesting. Humans beings are dumb, selfish, evil, gluttonous, self-involved, murderous, vile and utterly irrational most of the time. I take no issue with this view  of the human race. What needs to be considered however is that all of these negative attributes we possess are concepts we have created. Any animal, even the little fuzzy ones we find cute, are much worse than the most horrid person. By our standards. Show me a walrus that can play the violin or a chipmunk that has deeply theorized on its own existence and I might change my tune. Until then I'll enjoy being a dirty stinking ape, of the more clever variety. We are the crowning achievement of creation. As of yet.

Sexually Transmitted Vengeance.

Finally, we have our revenge.* Nobody messes with humans. Especially not our junk. When we were asleep, in the jungle. And in no way molesting monkeys of any sort. So you hear that you damn dirty apes? We're coming to get ya! It is only a matter of time before we perfect the virus. Don't try and disguise yourselves by wearing hats and monocles, as amusing as that may be. We can tell one bipedal primate from another. Most of the time. Unless they're some kind of minority or something. *It is commonly believed that humans originally contracted HIV from monkeys. How is yet unknown, but sources inside of my head tell me that it happened through inappropriate sexual contact.

Stringbeany Arguments.

Eating meat is not immoral. And the people who claim that it is should fuck off. This is what I'm going to be proving as this little post zips along at a hopefully comfortable pace. The main problem I have with vegetarians and vegans that have chosen their dietary habits upon moral convictions is not that they seem to be stuck in a convoluted circular argument but that they are intolerant and refuse to take a debate. I myself can be quite intolerant, I do not believe that we can all be right about all things at every possible situation, I however always leave an opening for debate. A possibility for everyone to lay forth an argument for their case. No vegan/vegetarian seems willing to do so. They open up with a condemnation of my ethical code and then do not even give me the benefit of questioning their motivations. Claiming intolerance on my part. No sir or madame, you are the one being intolerant. Of course I'm going to defend myself in a more knee-jerk reactionary way if you confront me with ethical accusations. However, underlying my sharpened tone is a well thought out thesis. A series of moral arguments which reach a conclusion. Let me deconstruct some parts of it for you. To lay it bare for inspection. Eating other organisms is required for your own survival. That's a given. Where some draw the line seems very murky to me. Apparently the clincher is intelligence in some form. What exactly does this intelligence manifest itself as? You could argue that a pig or a cow or a monkey are self-aware in one way or another. Alright. Is a shrimp or fish self-aware? Hardly. They only function according to very simple natural instincts. They just mindlessly repeat actions and react to their environment. If anything they are organic machines. Even the more intelligent animals we use in farming owe their entire existence to us. None of them would be here were it not for human ingenuity. Does that not then give us some license to continue their existence? The combined realities of market forces and the physical characteristics of these animals guarantee that they would not be able to subsist without human society. Life's continuation necessitates us generating money from breeding, selling and eating these animals. It becomes a requirement that I enjoy a good steak once in a while for their species to survive. You think a cow would fare well in the wild? They're a bear's equivalent of a bacchanal. That is another point. There are other animals besides ourselves that eat meat. They are out there killing each other. All the time. Are they somehow immoral? Using such logic you would have to concede that they are, something a vegan would never admit though. They have so little familiarity with actual nature outside of Disney movies that they believe animals have human characteristics. Such as the moral concepts of good and evil, personality and emotions. Anthropomorphizing animals into just being humans with fur and strange ears performing little song and dance routines. They are not privy to these ideas we have compiled on life, the world and morality. This is the sharp contrast these highfalutin supposedly ethically conscious vegetarians cannot grasp. We humans are animals, not separated from nature by a glass wall. We are governed by natural instincts and our evolutionary past. Yet at the same time we are unique in that we have the ability to be moral. And if morality is not strictly a human attribute we are without a doubt the only ones who can analyze it. We can formulate strings of thought and hypothesize on the inner workings of our own morality. Lay down arguments on why one should behave and be a certain way and not another. To then communicate this to other minds is absolutely awe inspiring. Either we humans are unique in having the concept of morality (and are thus better) or animals behave in an immoral fashion at almost every point in their lives. This would also make us better than our fuzzy little woodland friends. Which is it guacamole lovers? Inflicting pointless harm and pain on another living and breathing being is to be appalled, of course it is. But why am I in the wrong because I enjoy consuming the carcass of an animal? Most of them have lived a relatively stress free and painless life. Far more enjoyable than a creature in the wild, trust me. If you want change, demand more reforms. Help make sure that farming is done properly. Don't alienate the majority of people by taking a moral high ground of your own construction. If you look closely at it you will discover that it's just a mound of bullshit that you're standing on. Bacon, pork chops, barbecue ribs, hamburgers, steaks, grilled chicken and cutlets. Yummy and enticingly scrumptious. Can I please retain one of the few pleasures in life?

Bits and Pieces.

* The reason they're building all these crazy things in Dubai has to be because they can't drink or get their jollies off in some other way. So they build all of these bizarre things. In an attempt to compensate for something. Huge towers and spires and artificial islands and spaceports. But you know what? If it's between going to space and vagina, vagina still wins. Hands down. * What's really messed up about these school shootings is that an alarming amount of them seem to be taking place in the morning. Who the hell has the amount of energy to pull something like this off in the morning? Especially as a teenager. No, murder feels more like an afternoon or evening activity. * Why is it that when someone dies during a race in motorsport they don't wave the checkered flag at half mast? * What if time disappeared and everything happened at once? * If you ever start whispering to someone they're always forced to whisper back. Go ahead and try it. * Just what is a 'walk in shower'? How did people get in before someone invented this apparently amazing new thing? Some elaborate pully system? A poorly constructed ladder? A small tunnel? How about we think through what an expression or word actually tells us before we use them. * I once thought my eyes were open. It turned out I was just asleep under a really bright lamp. * Writing academically about film is like trying to herd cats using nothing but the medium of interpretive dance. * Dogs are the whores of nature. That's just science.

5 grams of glee.

Did you know that in Sweden you're not allowed to carry around more than 5 grams of glee at any one time? Anything more than that would be illegal. Above that amount and you're considered a dealer of delight, a pusher of joy. No, 5 grams is the sanctioned amount. It's not even enough to make you properly merry. But it is however enough to make you fine, without being too dandy. Scientific studies have shown that any more than 15 grams of glee can cause you to become more than happy, a dangerous mental condition. Afflicted with which you'll be put in a special institution. Locked away, prohibited from gladdening anyone's day. Society can only handle a specific amount of bliss each month. More than a specified amount and it would just become obscene. Felicity frenzy would break out! Gangs of gaiety would be rampaging up the streets spreading joviality all around. Pandemonium of positivity! I think I just gleed a little. Better clean up. Hand me my mirth-towel.